Chapter 18

Miss Zarves taught the class on the nineteenth story. There is no nineteenth story. And there is no Miss Zarves.

You already know all that.

But how do you explain the cow in her classroom?

Miss Zarves drew a triangle on the blackboard. "A triangle has three sides," she said, then pointed to each side. "One, two, three." She drew a square. "A square has four sides. One, two, three, four."
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She walked around the cow to the other side of the board. She drew a pentagon, a hexagon, and a perfect heptagon. "A heptagon has seven sides," she said.

Miss Zarves was very good at drawing shapes. When most people try to draw heptagons, there is always one side that sticks out funny. But Miss Zarves's heptagon was perfect. Every side was the same length, and every angle the same degree.

It was a great talent. But nobody appreciated her.

Nobody appreciated anything she did. It was like they didn't know she was there.

She counted the sides on the heptagon. "One, two, three, fo-"

"MOOOOO," said the cow.

Miss Zarves dropped her chalk. She glared at the cow. "I hate this!" she shouted.

It was a brown cow with a white head.

"It's all right, Miss Zarves," said Virginia, her best student. "I'll get the chalk for you."

"No," said Miss Zarves. "Leave it where it is. The cow made me drop the chalk. The cow should pick it up."

Her students gaped at her.

"I will not continue," said Miss Zarves, "until that cow picks up the piece of chalk and draws an octagon on the board!" She folded her arms across her chest, stared at the cow, and waited.

Ray raised his hand.

"Yes, Ray," said Miss Zarves, arms still folded across her chest.

"Uh, cows can't pick up chalk," said Ray.

Miss Zarves sighed. "I know," she said. "And I can't teach with a cow in my classroom!"

No one had ever seen Miss Zarves so upset. She usually had a pleasant disposition.

"It's okay, Miss Zarves," said Virginia. "I don't mind the cow."

"You get used to it after a while," said Ray.

"What cow?" asked Nick. "Oh, that one! I forgot it was there."

Miss Zarves smiled. She knew her students were trying to make her feel better.

"Other classrooms have goldfish or hamsters," said Virginia. "It's really no different."

"No," said Miss Zarves. "I won't have it! All my life I've tried to be accommodating. I've never been one to complain. And what has it gotten me? A cow!"

She shook her head. "When I was a little girl, my friends never did what I wanted to do," she said. "I always had to do whatever they wanted to do.
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"And my teacher never called on me in class. She always called on the kids who just shouted out without raising their hands, even though she said she wouldn't. She'd say, 'I won't call on you if you don't raise your hand,' but then she always did anyway. But I was a good girl. I never shouted

out

"And she always did things alphabetically, so I was always last if there was time for me at all.

"My parents were too busy for me. They were always dressing up and going out to fancy parties. I had to tuck myself in at night and wish myself

sweet dreams."

She took a tissue out of her sleeve and wiped

a tear from her eye.

"Still, I always tried to keep a smile on my face. Well, not anymore! The days of walk-all-over-Miss-Zarves are finished!"

She threw open her classroom door. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease!"

"What are you going to do?" asked Virginia.

"I'm going out there!" said Miss Zarves. "And I'm not coming back until I get some grease!"

She stepped outside. She decided she'd go right to the top! So she headed down the stairs-to the principal's office.

Joy and Maurecia were coming up the stairs.

"Todd is uglier than stupid," said Maurecia.

"You're crazy!" said Joy. "He's stupider than ugly."

"Oooh," teased Maurecia. "I'm going to tell Todd you think he's cute."

Miss Zarves stepped in front of them. "What are you children doing out of class?" she asked.

"I didn't say he was cute," said Joy. "He's just not as ugly as he is stupid."

"That means you think he's handsome," said Maurecia. "Are you going to marry him?"

"I asked you a question," said Miss Zarves.

"Ugh, gross!" said Joy.

"I'm a teacher," said Miss Zarves. "That means you are supposed to listen to me."

Joy and Maurecia walked right past her.

Miss Zarves sighed, then continued down to Mr. Kidswatter's office. She took a deep breath to steady her nerves. She was about to knock but then changed her mind and just marched right in. "Hey, Kidswatter, I want to talk to you!"

The principal was making a rubber-band ball.

"Do you hear me?" asked Miss Zarves.

He opened his desk drawer and looked for some more rubber bands.

"If you don't answer me right now," said Miss
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Zarves, "I'm walking out the door and never coming back!"

Mr. K. pressed the buzzer on his phone. "Miss Night, you need to order more rubber bands."

"That's it!" said Miss Zarves. "I'm leaving.

Good-bye. I quit!"

She walked out of the school and took a deep

breath of fresh air.

"Please don't go, Miss Zarves," said a voice

behind her.

Startled, she turned around.

"We need you," said a bald-headed man. He was standing between two other men. Both had black mustaches, and one carried a black attach case. The bald man didn't have a mustache,

"Can you see me?" she asked.

"Yes, of course," said the bald man. "And we appreciate all your hard work."

"You do?"

All three nodded very sincerely.

Miss Zarves was touched. "I've been teaching for thirty years," she said. "And nobody has ever

said that before."

"Well, it's not easy being a teacher," said the

bald man.

"I don't get any respect," said Miss Zarves. "People treat me like I'm a nobody."

"It's not easy being a teacher," said the man with the attach case. "You have to work long hours for very little money."

"I've never gotten paid," said Miss Zarves. "And this is the first time in thirty years I've ever left the building."

"It's not easy being a teacher," agreed the other man with a mustache.

"Even the book I'm reading to my class," said Miss Zarves. "The author makes fun of teachers!"

"It's a tragedy," said the bald man.

"Then why do it?" asked Miss Zarves. "Why teach anymore? I could quit and nobody would care."

"The children need you," all three men said together.

Miss Zarves sighed. "I like to teach," she said. "I really do. I love the children. It's just-"

She stopped and wiped her eyes.

The man with the attach case opened it. He took out a handkerchief and handed it to Miss Zarves.

"Thank you," she said, blew her nose, then gave it back to him.

He placed it back in his attach case.

"Can you at least get the cow out of my classroom?" she asked.
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The bald man smiled. "I'll see what I can do," he said.

Miss Zarves smiled as she slowly shook her head. Then she turned and walked back into the building.
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Mr. Kidswatter's voice came over the loudspeaker. "Good morning, boys and girls!"

There was the usual pause.

"I have a very important announcement," said Mr. K. "Elevators have been installed in Wayside School!"

For a second, the kids on the thirtieth floor were too stunned to speak. Then everyone went crazy!

"Yahooooo!" yelled Sharie.

"Hot diggity dog!" shouted Dameon.
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Everyone was yelling and jumping, "Zippity doo dan!" shouted Mrs. Drazil. Cheers could be heard coming from every classroom in Wayside School. The higher the classroom, the louder the cheers.

"Now, before you all rush out and use the elevators," said Mr. Kidswatter, "I want to talk a little bit about elevator safety.

"I don't want the same kind of chaos that we have on the stairs every day. I don't know how many times I have to tell you. When you go up the stairs, stay to the right. When you come down the stairs, stay to the left. But still, everyone keeps bumping into each other.

"Well, that won't happen on the elevators. I have personally designed a special safety system.

"There are two elevators. One is blue. One is red. When you want to go up, you take the blue elevator. When you want to go down, you take the red elevator. It's that simple. It can't go wrong! The blue one only goes up. And the red one only goes down.

"By the way, has anyone seen my coffeepot?"

And so, at last, Wayside School got elevators. A blue one and a red one. They each worked perfectly one time-and never could be used again.
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The good news: Jason got to leave school early. The bad news: He had a dentist appointment.

"I'll never ever eat candy again," he promised the Tooth God as he headed down the stairs. "And I'll brush my teeth after every meal. I promise. Even if it's just a snack. I'll bring my toothbrush to school! Just please, please don't let her find any cavities."

"I've heard that song before," answered a voice inside his head. "Every time you go to the dentist, it's the same thing. But then, a week later,
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you're eating candy and forgetting to brush your

teeth."

"This time I really, really mean it," Jason

promised.

"Too late," said the voice.

An hour later Jason was lying on his back in the dentist chair.

"Open," said the dentist

His dentist was named Dr. Payne. She had long fingers and even longer fingernails.

Jason opened his big mouth. He had the second biggest mouth in his class.

"Wider," said Dr. Payne.

Jason stretched his mouth until his cheeks

hurt.

"That's good," said Dr. Payne. "Now just a little bit wider."

The veins in Jason's neck bulged out as he stretched his mouth even wider. His eyes watered. His throat was dry.

"Okay, just hold it like that," said Dr. Payne, She turned on the sucking machine and put a tube in Jason's mouth.

The machine made a gagging noise as it sucked out his last drop of moisture.

As Dr. Payne poked around at his teeth

she said "Tsk, tsk" and "Oh, my!" several times.

"So how do you like school?" she asked.

"Aghaa," said Jason.

"What grade are you in?"

"Aakhalak," said Jason.

"Well, just remember," said Dr. Payne. "It's very important to always listen to your teachers and do whatever they say."

She poked a tooth with a long, pointed dentist tool.

"AAAAHhhhhhhhh!" Jason screamed in agony.

"Did that hurt?" asked Dr. Payne.

Jason shook his head. If he told her it hurt, she might think it was a cavity. If she couldn't find it herself, he certainly wasn't going to tell her about it.

"Are you sure?" asked Dr. Payne. She poked the same spot